Promises

Promise, yes everybody makes them. Well even I do. But I’m not very fond of these heart relief words. I don’t know why, maybe because I no longer trust them, I rarely make promises.

“Ok kot”, “Tgk ah”, “Kalau aku ada, aku ada”, “Kalau aku free aku pergi”, these words always juggling through my mouth. And most of the time there are better than promises by others.

“Tengok ah” for me is a promise to do if I can, if nothing else happen, if I’m not dead. I mean there will always be variables that I can’t control. Fate, death, these are not for us humans to decide and I mistakenly take these into consideration when making my promise.

Maybe because others don’t care about these “inconstant, uncontrollable variables”, that they easily make promises. Maybe because they don’t really care about keeping their words, that they spread it without hesitations. And I, who bluntly trust, trapped inside these worlds of fakes.

My words are my pride and my pride is the essence of me. I do break promises, I to have to lie, but breaking my own words is like breaking something I hold dear. And I really really hate breaking it.

My life has been spent knowing this. Knowing that others don’t see promises like I do. But my hard head pride force me to be what I want to, do what I need to. Usually I just bluntly gave my trust at first accountant and wait to see if it’s broken. Marking those who breaks them, and hold dear to those who don’t. And trust me, it is rare to hold. And unless I have a reason to, those who have been marked will no longer have my trust, my respect.

With this attitude, I actually have one problem. I’m lousy at making promises. I don’t know how to consult. I don’t know even if I want to, even if a really need to.

I do realize I have to make promises, but when it really counts, I blurred, speechless. If only my heart could talk, she would sing what is inside.

She will not promise her the world, because she knows it’s not mine to give. But she is sure that I would scrap my world and turn them into spare parts for hers, because she knows how I want the two worlds to be together.

She won’t promise her my life because my life is not mine to give. But she knew that I will put them in front of the line if she need it.

I want to promise everything she wants to hear but words are cheap and I don’t know how to sell, or I don’t even know if they are worth selling.

Pelawak Durja

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